You have captured the survivor experience with an understanding only God could have given to you. Your CD comforts, encourages, and educates – throughout. “Chaos” describes the survivor’s healing journey with great insight.
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Chaos of the Heart
This unique, award-winning CD sensitively captures the wide range of emotions experienced in the family and the church in the aftermath of a suicide. Chaos of the Heart offers the hope and assurance of a God who is big enough to handle our honesty when the pain feels unbearable. It also thoughtfully addresses the often-misrepresented issue of the afterlife for one who has taken their life.
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Music Previews and Lyrics
Chaos of the Heart
Chaos of the Heart
Words & Music by Tony Wood & Steve Siler
I’ll never pass that park again
And not think of you
And I have to drive that street again
Each day a time or two
And every rainy night in August
Every gunshot on TV
Every phone call after midnight
Brings it all back home to me
CHORUS
And I’m sorry and I’m sad
and I’m hurting and I’m mad
and I love you and I hate you
and it makes me feel so bad
The good is stained with evil
They cannot be pulled apart
Is there any healing from
This chaos of the heart
Every thought of you is painful
Every choice seems half a lie
Every memory a reminder
You didn’t have to die
Sometimes it’s hard to blame you
You were desperate for some peace
But your death is an indictment
And for me there’s no release
CHORUS
Why do I feel guilty?
Will I ever find relief?
Cause…
CHORUS
Healing’s slow to come
From this chaos of the heart
© Row J, Seat 9 Songs / New Spring-Publishing ASCAP / Silerland Music ASCAP (administered by the Copyright Company)
How Could You
How Could You
Words & Music by John Mandeville & Steve Siler
Psalm 88
What kind of God would let this happen?
How could you be so unfair?
You’re the one whose love
is supposed to be enough
It feels like you don’t even care
I thought that I could trust you
I thought I knew what you were like
What did I do to deserve
this cruel relentless hurt
this bottomless void in my life
How could you?
How could you?
How could you ?
How could you?
Why didn’t you step in and stop this?
How could you bring me so much pain?
In my deepest hour of need why did you abandon me?
With nothing but your silence to embrace
How could you?
How could you?
How could you?
How could you?
I’m the Lord your God who loves you
Your rage is safe with me
I will never leave you
I’ll meet you where you’ll meet me
Tell me everything you’re feeling
You can’t make me turn away
Let me have your anger
There’s all kinds of ways to pray
Talk to me
© Dayspring Music ( A div. Of Word Music ) / Lehsem Music
Every Single Tear
Every Single Tear
Words & Music by Scott Krippayne & Steve Siler
You feel insignificant
A whisper in the wind
Sometimes you think nobody knows your name
But there’s somebody watching over you
and He knows everything you’re going through
He sees every single tear
He feels everything you’re feeling
He wants to hold you close and dry your eyes
Your heart is what he hears
When the world just hears you crying
No matter what the pain, He cares
about every single tear
Overwhelmed by circumstances
out of your control
Hope can be the hardest thing to find
When you’re like a heart without a home
You don’t have to face this hurt alone
CHORUS
If God adorns the Lilies of the field
and cares for every sparrow in the sky
How much more is He aware of your sorrow and despair
How much does He care about your life
CHORUS
© BMG Songs/Above The Rim Music/ Lehsem Music ASCAP
Keep Breathing
Keep Breathing
Words & Music by Scott Krippayne & Steve Siler
Sometimes it feels like the sun will never rise
Like the birds will never sing again
The night is dark, not one star in the sky
and no one you can call a friend
In so deep
It feels like you are drowning
So afraid
You can hardly catch your breath
Keep breathing
Take it in and let it out
Keep Breathing
It’s gonna be OK
Believe in
A power greater than what you are going through
When you don’t know what to do
Keep Breathing
You know the one that reaches through the hurt
A comfort for the broken heart
But in this place even prayers are painful
Life isn’t ‘sposed to be this hard
When relief is more than you can hope for
And the wounds seem deeper than your faith
CHORUS
Don’t give up
Even though you want to
Don’t give in
You’ve already come this far
It’s alright
The Lord knows what you’re needing
And he’ll meet you where you are, just
CHORUS
© 2002 Word Music/Fifty States Music/ Chips and Salsa Songs /New Spring Publishing (Admin. by Brentwood-Benson Music Publishing)
Twenty Three
Twenty Three
Psalm 23
The Lord is My Shepherd
I shall not want
He makes me to lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside the still waters
He restores my soul
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
For you are with me
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil
My cup runs over
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever
New King James Version
© Pirk Music BMI / Sony – ATV/ Songs from Exit 71 ASCAP / Silerland Music (Administered by the Copyright Company) ASCAP
Praise
Musicians / Vocalists
Other Helpful Resources
My husband Tony died from suicide. Chaos of the Heart helped me so much to get through the grief and pain. I listen to it whenever I find myself on the downward side of the roller coaster journey. I have shard the lyrics and website with other survivors. This was a God send for me and I will always be grateful. God bless you for your excellent work.
Susan M., Thomson, GA
Chaos of the Heart is a powerful tool for ministry to suicide survivors.
Steve Grissom, Founder & Executive Director of Grief Share
I just wanted to thank you so much for your music! Four years ago my only brother committed suicide, I was totally devastated. One day I happened to find your site and ordered Chaos of the Heart. The first time I listened to it, the music said everything I was feeling, and the words helped me so much. Your site saved my life. I can now say I am a Survivor of Suicide.
Sandy S.
When my Stepmother commented to me that she didn’t know if the minister would be willing to conduct the funeral service for my Dad it put a seed of doubt in my mind as to what would happen to my Dad’s soul. Chaos of the Heart says that we are not judged by our final act. I got up this morning feeling that the dark cloud that had been hanging over my head was lightening and moving away. I know that I have a long way to go in the grieving and healing process but now I think it can begin – for real.
Sandy J.
Leave Praise
Anthony LaMarchina
Anthony LaMarchina
Instrument / Role:
Cello
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Trust Jesus, Binder of the Broken (After the Storm) DIGNITY Dignity, We've Never Done This Dance Before, You Should Hear Him Sing, I'm Gonna Lose You, Twenty Three INNOCENT CHILD (Becky Nordquist) MERCY GREAT ENOUGH Stain Upon My I Wasn't There, Heart, Hope Will Rise Again, We Forgive You SOFT RAIN TWENTY THREE Twenty Three WHOLE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD Whole in the Sight of God
Dave Cleveland
Dave Cleveland
Instrument / Role:
Guitar
Albums / Songs Involved With:
FIFTY YEARS FROM NOW I Don't Know You Anymore, Love as I Have Been Love, Before God, What God Has Joined Together CHAOS OF THE HEART Chaos of the Heart HEROES UNSUNG Guitar & Arrangement - Heroes Unsung Instrumental MORE BEAUTIFUL Co-writer and Guitar - Interlude on More Beautiful for Guitar / Guitar - Prelude, Postlude MUSIC FOR THE LITTLE SOUL All Guitars SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER All of Me UNDER MY SKIN Under My Skin / Also interviewee for the documentary
David Angell
David Angell
Instrument / Role:
Violin
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Trust Jesus, Binder of the Broken CHAOS OF THE HEART Chaos of the Heart DAYS OF HOPE DIGNITY Dignity, We've Never Done This Dance Before, You Should Hear Him Sing, I'm Gonna Lose You, Twenty Three DRINK DEEP After the Crowds are Gone, Differently, As Good as Goodbye Gets, Death Has Been Conquered INNOCENT CHILD (Becky Nordquist) MERCY GREAT ENOUGH Stain Upon My Heart, I Wasn't There, Hope Will Rise Again, We Forgive You MORE THAN A SURVIVOR SOFT RAIN SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER Traitor, Somebody's Daughter, I Commit My Eyes TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE The Cost, Beautiful Jesus, Tell Me What You See, To Be Free TWENTY THREE Twenty Three WHOLE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD Whole in the Sight of God
David Davidson
David Davidson
Instrument / Role:
Violin
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Violin -Trust Jesus, Binder of the Broken BEFORE WE SAID HELLO Violin CHAOS OF THE HEART (Chaos of the Heart ) DAYS OF HOPE DIGNITY Dignity, We've Never Done This Dance Before, You Should Hear Him Sing, I'm Gonna Lose You, Twenty Three DRINK DEEP After the Crowds are Gone, Differently, As Good as Goodbye Gets, Death Has Been Conquered INNOCENT CHILD (Becky Nordquist) MERCY GREAT ENOUGH I Wasn't There, Hope Will Rise Again, Stain Upon My Heart, We Forgive You MORE BEAUTIFUL Wildest Ride on Earth MORE THAN A SURVIVOR SOFT RAIN SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER Traitor, Somebody's Daughter, I Commit My Eyes TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE The Cost, Beautiful Jesus, Tell Me What You See, To Be Free TWENTY THREE Twenty Three WHOLE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD Whole in the Sight of God
Website:
http://davidsviolin.com/Felicia Farerre
Felicia Farerre
Instrument / Role:
Lead Vocals
Albums / Songs Involved With:
CHAOS OF THE HEART Keep Breathing DIGNITY In the Middle of the Mess (Dignity) FIFTY YEARS FROM NOW I Don't Know You Anymore HEROES UNUSNG Heroes Unsung MERCY GREAT ENOUGH What Now? SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER Backing Vocals - All of Me, Into the Light TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE No One Can Love Me Like You Do
Website:
https://www.feliciafarerre.net/John Mandeville
John Mandeville
Instrument / Role:
Songwriter
Albums / Songs Involved With:
CHAOS OF THE HEART How Could You DRINK DEEP Death Has Been Conquered FIFTY YEARS FROM NOW Songwriter, Co-Producer, & Percussion programming - Fifty Years From Now / Songwriter & vocal - Before God MUSIC FOR THE LITTLE SOULA Songwriter, programming, keyboards, producer All Songs SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER Somebody's Daughter, Is It Me?, Into the Light, I Commit My Eyes / Songwriter & Backing Vocals - Every Man's Battle / Songwriter & Vocal - Free / Writer & Speaker - You Can Make It
Karen Winklemann
Karen Winklemann
Instrument / Role:
Violin
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Trust Jesus, Binder of the Broken DIGNITY Dignity, We've Never Done This Dance Before, I'm Gonna Lose You, Twenty Three INNOCENT CHILD (Becky Nordquist) MERCY GREAT ENOUGH Stain Upon My Heart, Hope Will Rise Again, We Forgive You SOFT RAIN TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE The Cost, Beautiful Jesus, Tell Me What You See, To Be Free TWENTY THREE Twenty Three
Kent Hooper
Kent Hooper
Instrument / Role:
Co-Producer, Engineer, Mixing, Mastering, Arranging, and Keyboards
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Engineer spoken pieces, Engineering, mixing, and mastering THE APOLOGY Engineering, mixing, and mastering BEFORE WE SAID HELLO Engineering, mixing, and mastering BROKEN TO BLESS Engineering, mixing, and mastering CELEBRATION TABLE Engineering, mixing, and mastering CHAOS OF THE HEART Programming - Chaos of the Heart / Piano - Interludes / Mixing & Mastering - Chaos of the Heart, Keep Breathing, & How Could You / Producer - Every Single Tear - used Courtesy of Spring Hill Music Group, Inc. CHILD OF GOD Engineering, mixing, and mastering CROOKED ROAD Engineering, mixing, and mastering DAYS OF HOPE Engineering, mixing, and mastering DIGNITY Co-Producer, engineering, mixing, and mastering - All tracks / Piano - Do You Know I Love You, Precious Lord Take My Hand DRINK DEEP Co-Producer, engineering, mixing, and mastering - All tracks FIFTY YEARS FROM NOW Programming, piano, & mixing - I Don't Know You Anymore / Love as I Have Been Loved - programming / Engineer for spoken pieces HEROES UNSUNG Engineer for spoken pieces IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR Engineering, mixing, and mastering MERCY GREAT ENOUGH Co-Producer, arranging, engineering, mixing, and mastering - All tracks MORE BEAUTIFUL Programming, Keyboards, Engineer, mixing - Wildest Ride on Earth, Keyboards & Engineer - Interlude for More Beautiful on Guitar, Engineer - Affirmation MORE THAN A SURVIVOR Co-Producer, engineering, mixing, and mastering ROCK BOTTOM SOON Vocal Engineer & Mix SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER Songwriter & programming - All of Me / Keyboards, mixing - Somebody's Daughter / Programming, mixing - Into the Light/ Keyboards, mixing - Every Man's Battle / Engineer & mixing - Is it Me? / I Commit My Eyes / Traitor TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE Engineered, mixed, and mastered all tracks / Also Wurlitzer - Swept Away / Keyboards - Tell Me What You See, To Be Free, In the Image of God / Guitar - Piece Me Together / Programming & Keyboards - You Love Me TWENTY THREE Producer UNDER MY SKIN Mix and mastering WHOLE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD Engineer & MIx
Website:
http://houseofbig.com/Mark Baldwin
Mark Baldwin
Instrument / Role:
Guitar
Albums / Songs Involved With:
BEFORE WE SAID HELLO Guitar BROKEN TO BLESS Guitar / Innocent Child, Walking Each Other Home, Child of Mine CELEBRATION TABLE Guitar / No Power Over Me, Rock Bottom Soon, Say Anything CHAOS OF THE HEART Guitar / Keep Breathing, How Could You DIGNITY Guitar / Love Will Have to Do It, In the Middle of the Mess, Do You Know How I Love You, When I Couldn't Do It By Myself DRINK DEEP Every Single Tear, Twenty Three, Today, Death Has Been Conquered / Also - speaker on No! IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR Guitar MERCY GREAT ENOUGH Guitar / Broken into Beautiful, I Lay it Down Listen with Love SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER Guitar / Somebody's Daughter TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE Guitar / In the Image of God, No One Can Love Me like You Do, You Love Me SOFT RAIN Guitar / You're with Me
Website:
https://markbaldwinguitar.com/Monisa Angell
Monisa Angell
Instrument / Role:
Viola
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Trust Jesus, Binder of the Broken CHAOS OF THE HEART Chaos of the Heart DAYS OF HOPE DIGNITY Dignity, We've Never Done This Dance Before, You Should Hear Him Sing, I'm Gonna Lose You, Twenty Three DRINK DEEP After the Crowds are Gone, Differently, As Good as Goodbye Gets, Death Has Been Conquered INNOCENT CHILD (Becky Nordquist) MERCY GREAT ENOUGH Stain Upon My Heart, I Wasn't There, Hope Will Rise Again, We Forgive You SOFT RAIN SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER Traitor, Somebody's Daughter, I Commit My Eyes TWENTY THREE Twenty Three WHOLE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD Whole in the Sight of God
Phillip Keveren
Phillip Keveren
Instrument / Role:
String Arrangement & Conductor
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Trust Jesus, Binder of the Broken BEFORE WE SAID HELLO Before We Said Hello, Heaven's Playground DAYS OF HOPE DIGNITY Dignity, Twenty Three / also String arrangement, Conductor, & Piano - We've Never Done This Dance Before, You Should Hear Him Sing, I'm Gonna Lose You DRINK DEEP After the Crowds are Gone, Differently, As Good as Goodbye Gets, Death Has Been Conquered CHAOS OF THE HEART Chaos of the Heart IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR MERCY GREAT ENOUGH Stain Upon My I Wasn't There, Heart, Hope Will Rise Again, We Forgive You MORE THAN A SURVIVOR SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER Traitor, Somebody's Daughter, I Commit My Eyes TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE The Cost, Beautiful Jesus, Tell Me What You See, To Be Free / also / Piano - No One Can Love Me like You Do TWENTY THREE Twenty Three WHOLE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD Piano, String arranger, conductor - Whole in the Sight of God / Writer, Piano, Programming - Reflection on Whole in the Sight of God
Website:
https://phillipkeveren.com/Scott Krippayne
Scott Krippayne
Instrument / Role:
Lead Vocal
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Songwriter, Vocal - Twenty Three / Songwriter, Lead & Backing Vocals - Carry Me BROKEN TO BLESS Songwriter - Beatitudes CHAOS OF THE HEART Vocal - Chaos of the Heart / Backing Vocal - How Could You / Songwriter, Lead Vocal, & Piano - Every Single Tear / Songwriter - Keep Breathing / Songwriter & Vocal - Twenty Three DIGNITY Songwriter & Lead Vocal - Precious Lord Take My Hand / Songwriter & Vocal - Twenty Three DRINK DEEP Songwriter & Vocals - No!, Don't Feel Much like Prayer Today, Differently, , Good, Ambush, Today, Gone Ahead / Songwriter, Vocal, & Piano - No Such Thing as Normal / Songwriter - Drink Deep, After the Crowds are Gone, Every Single Tear, Twenty Three / Vocal - Death Has Been Conquered FIFTY YEARS FROM NOW Vocal / I Don't Know You Anymore / Songwriter, lead vocal & piano - Love as I Have Been Loved GOD CAN USE A BROKEN HEART Songwriter & Vocalist IN ALL THINGS Songwriter, Vocalist, Piano I PROMISE TO BE WITH YOU TODAY Songwriter, Vocalist, Piano IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR Vocalist LIFE OF FAITH Writer, musician, & vocalist LOOK INTO MY EYES Songwriter, Vocalist, Piano MERCY GREAT ENOUGH Songwriter, Piano, & Lead vocal - I Wasn't There / Backing vocals - You'll Never Call Me Daddy MORE BEAUTIFUL Vocal / More Beautiful SET SAIL Songwriter, piano, programming, and vocal SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER Songwriter, Lead Vocal, Backing Vocals - All of Me TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE Songwriter - You Love Me / Backing Vocals - Just the Way that I Am TWENTY THREE Songwriter & Vocal - Twenty Three WHERE IS MY FAITH Songwriter, Vocalist, Piano WHOLE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD Vocal / Whole in the Sight of God WRONG CONVERSATIONS Songwriter, Vocalist, Piano
Website:
https://scottkrippayne.com/Steve Siler
Steve Siler
Instrument / Role:
Founder, Director, & Producer / Songwriter / Keys / Vocalist
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Songwriter / Where is the Ground, Not too Far From Here, Twenty Three BEFORE WE SAID HELLO Songwriter BROKEN TO BLESS Songwriter & Vocals / Not too Far from Here, Innocent Child, Broken to Bless, Renee is Fourteen, Child of Mine, Beatitudes, Listening, Wounded Angel, Nothing is in Vain, Walking Each Other Home, The Apology CELEBRATION TABLE Songwriter & Vocals / Celebration Table, Come Meet Me Here, In Christ, I've Got This, No Power Over Me, Rock Bottom Soon, Say Anything, Shame Died These Things, A Voiceless Cry, You are Not Alone CHAOS OF THE HEART Songwriter / Chaos of the Heart, How Could You, Every Single Tear, Keep Breathing, Twenty Three CHILD OF GOD Songwriter CROOKED ROAD Songwriter DAYS OF HOPE Songwriter DIGNITY Songwriter / Dignity, We've Never Done This Dance Before, Returning the Favor, Love Will Have to Do It, In the Middle of the Mess, Twenty Three, You Should Hear Him Sing, Do You Know I Love You, Precious Lord Take My Hand, I'm Gonna Lose You DRINK DEEP No!, Don't Feel Much like Prayer Today, Drink Deep, After the Crowds are Gone, No Such Thing as Normal, Differently, Every Single Tear, Good, Twenty Three, Ambush, Today, Gone Ahead, Death Has Been Conquered FIFTY YEARS FROM NOW Songwriter / Fifty Years From Now, I Don't Know You Anymore, Love as I Have Been Loved, Before God, What God Has Joined Together GOD CAN USE A BROKEN HEART Songwriter HEROES UNSUNG Songwriter & Piano IN ALL THINGS Songwriter I PROMISE TO BE WITH YOU TODAY Songwriter IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR Songwriter LIFE OF FAITH Songwriter LOOK INTO MY EYES Songwriter MERCY GREAT ENOUGH Songwriter / The Days Still Yet to Come, Hope Will Rise Again, I Lay it Down, I Wasn't There, Listen with Love, Stain Upon My Heart, We Forgive You, What Now?, You'll Never Call Me Daddy, Your Life Has Made a Difference MORE BEAUTIFUL Songwriter / More Beautiful, Wildest Ride on Earth MORE THAN A SURVIVOR Songwriter MUSIC FOR THE LITLE SOUL Songwriter THE NEXT RIGHT THING Songwriter NO POWER OVER ME Songwriter & Vocalist ROCK BOTTOM SOON Songwriter & Vocalist SET SAIL Songwriter SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER Songwriter / Traitor, Somebody's Daughter, All of Me, Into the Light, Is It Me?, I Commit My Eyes, Every Man's Battle /also / Keyboards - Is It Me? TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE Songwriter / The Cost, You Love Me, In the image of God, Just the Way that I Am, No One Can Love Me like You Do TWENTY THREE Songwriter UNDER MY SKIN Songwriter WHERE IS MY FAITH Songwriter WHOLE IN THE SIGHT OF GOD Songwriter / Whole in the Sight of God WRONG CONVERSATIONS Songwriter
Tony Wood
Tony Wood
Instrument / Role:
Songwriter
Albums / Songs Involved With:
AFTER THE STORM Twenty Three BROKEN TO BLESS Beatitudes CHAOS OF THE HEART Twenty Three DIGNITY In the Middle of the Mess, Twenty Three DRINK DEEP No!, Don't Feel Much like Prayer Today, Drink Deep, After the Crowds are Gone, No Such Thing as Normal, Differently, Good, Twenty Three, Ambush, As Good as Goodbye Gets, Today, Gone Ahead FIFTY YEARS FROM NOW I Don't Know You Anymore IN ALL THNGS I PROMISE TO BE WITH YOU TODAY LIFE OF FAITH Songwriter LOOK INTO MY EYES Songwriter SET SAIL Songwriter TWENTY THREE Twenty Three WHERE IS MY FAITH WRONG CONVERSATIONS