No! – How to Be Honest with Grief

What other reaction can there be?
A man drives a truck into a crowd killing 84. No!

A sniper opens fire on police and peaceful protesters in Dallas. No!

Then this last weekend another police shooting in Baton Rouge. No!!!

We don’t want these events to be true. Something in us wants to deny that such things could happen. We pray for a world where people will treat others the way they would like to be treated, a world defined by love of neighbor and concern for one another. However, most of us will never be the victim of a terror attack. And within a few days, once the news cycle changes, this “arms-length” denial, no mater how sincere, will eventually subside as we drift back into the stream of our daily lives.

But unfortunately all of us will personally experience unwelcome, traumatic events. Usually this will happen in the form of a terrifying medical diagnosis or a loved one’s passing.

Recently I was speaking with a gentleman who had a five-month stretch that is the stuff of nightmares. First, his younger brother died instantly and without warning. A few weeks later his older brother was diagnosed with a terminal disease and died a few months later. Then, two weeks after that his nephew, the son of the older brother died suddenly. All the while this man looked on as his mother was slowly losing parts of her memory to Alzheimer’s disease.

What other response could there be? “No! This can’t be happening!”

At Music for the Soul we feel strongly that it’s important to tell the truth about the hard things we all experience. In doing so, we honor people who are going through deep pain. In fact, I’ve come to believe that people will not trust you with their hope unless you demonstrate that understand their pain. There are times when we need to cry; times when we need a release and an outlet for the pain we are carrying. It touches something in us when we feel known and understood. That is why people attend support groups.

Songs function in this way as well, allowing someone to feel heard and supported, while at the same time allowing for a personal and private experience. We hear regularly from people how cathartic a song has been for them when they were in a difficult emotional place.
Such was the case last week. The man who had experienced such tremendous loss in quick succession found great meaning in the song No! “It hit me like a ton of bricks. That just really ministered to me,” he said.

Now it might seem at first as if one would prefer not to have something hit them like a ton of bricks. But if one is carrying grief that has been bottled up, just trying to cope and barely hanging on, a song like No! can be the permission one needs in order to come to terms with what they are already feeling deep in their heart.

Denial, a defense mechanism, is a normal response when we are first confronted with an unwelcome and shocking development. For someone in the initial stages of grief No! might also function as an affirmation, in affect saying, “What you are feeling is normal.”

Occasionally someone will challenge us and about a song like “No!”, which makes no mention of Jesus or faith saying, “That’s not a Christian song!” But personally, I believe any song that wrestles honestly and truthfully with the lived experienced of human beings can help us draw closer to both our Creator and to one another better.

I pray that a song like “No!” can help those who are in the first stages of grief feel what they are feeling– and help them to begin the long road to healing.

– – –

Steve Siler – Music for the Soul

Providing a bridge to hope through stories and songs that heal

To listen to “No!” click here.

Originally posted  7/19/16